This year marks the milestone of ten years since I met my husband on Christian Connection. With ten years of life’s ups and downs and now two beautiful children thrown into the mix, we have found ourselves in the category of having enough experience to give a little marital and dating advice! It got me thinking about those starting to date, wanting a lasting relationship, and how to steer dating towards marriage and a happy lifetime together. A good starting point is the wedding vows we took, and what anyone wanting to eventually get married can learn from them.
If you’re looking to meet someone you’ll one day exchange wedding vows with, consider what they believe in, how they behave, their values and, while you’re dating, glimpses into what life could potentially look like in the future. The vows you make in a marriage are sacred and binding, and not be taken lightly. Our vows are from the Church of England ceremony.
I take you to be my husband/wife
Choosing each other every single day, even if it’s the unpopular choice, is what strengthens a marriage and a relationship. There are times when you have to choose each other over other family members – you are ‘leaving and cleaving’ in marriage. Where family or external dynamics are a factor, look at how you can establish healthy boundaries so your unity comes first.
To have and to hold
This is such a beautiful expression. To have someone to hold you through whatever life throws at you, and just to ‘have’ someone is so special. Holding and having each other is intimate. What are your expectations for your physical relationship? What are your love languages? How do you feel loved? Do you feel nurtured in your relationship, do you feel safe? Do you feel listened and heard?
Some of these qualities you can find out from early on in your dating life – does your date really listen to you, do they want to find out more about you, are they open to being there if you’ve had a bad day? Talking about intimacy, your past, and how you feel loved is important and it’s a continual conversation.
From this day forward
From this day forward means that you will choose your spouse every single day. Not from a feeling, but a choice. If you choose to love them every day, you will get through the days that are harder to love them. In times when I’m moody or cross and hard to love, my husband chooses me even during those times.
‘From This Day Forward’ also means that you are making long term future plans together as well – not just the wedding! Of course, there will be bumps in the road, but big topics like having children or where you live can be deal breakers.
The moment you say ‘I do/will’ means ‘I won’t’ to others. Can you trust your partner? Are they faithful? Boundaries will need to be laid out during your dating time before marriage, to ensure that you can trust your partner implicitly. Honesty is the best policy.
For better, for worse
Marriage means being with someone in the good times and the bad. Lasting love isn’t superficial. It’s deeper. Go beyond the surface and look at the heart. You can become each other’s rock and stability – someone who you know will weather the storms with you, have your back, and support you through thick and thin. That is something precious and something to hold on to.
For richer, for poorer
We all go through times in life where we are more financially stable and others where we feel the pinch. However before agreeing to spend the rest of your life with someone it is important to find out how they view money. Are they in debt? Do they gamble? Do they spend more than they earn? Do they expect a partner to support them? This can be a huge topic of friction between couples and is a leading cause of divorce.
You both need to be able to be honest about your attitude to money. If you are on different wavelengths, this easily becomes a point of contention. Watching how your date values money is a useful task when first start out. You can get an idea of someone’s attitude to money very early on and have the conversations you need to have.
In sickness and in health
Without any doubt, there will be periods in your married life when one or other of you is not at 100%. This is where it really matters who you marry. Your spouse will need to love and care for you when you’re not at your best, as you will for them. When the initial butterflies fade, the love deepens. You will need to care for each other when sick, and sometimes that means cleaning up after them and long term care.
To love and to cherish
Cherish is a beautiful word – it’s treasuring your partner, protecting them, loving them, and not taking them for granted. During marriage, continue to pursue, to woo, to date. I once heard that being together with someone forever, means dating lots of versions of the same person – stay interested in how someone changes rather than grow apart.
Til death do us part
We decided very early on in our marriage that we wouldn’t mention the ‘D’ word (divorce) even in the heat of the moment in an argument. No matter how cross we are with each other, we know that we are still safe within our marriage. Marriage should be forever. There are situations where this isn’t possible – particularly if the relationship is unsafe – but look to go into marriage with someone as committed as you.
According to God’s holy law
There is an authority to the Bible. It’s important that you are both unified on how you understand this. Looking to see what God says about matters can affect how you live day to day. You can start implementing how you both relate to God from early dates when you are putting expectations in place. Take your guidance from God.
In the presence of God I make this vow
This is serious and binding – don’t go into marriage lightly! Are you on the same page in regard to your faith? Do you both want to prioritise it or is one of you more active than the other? It’s important to know what living out your faith will look like after marriage. It’s important to know how your spouse will draw you closer to Christ – be intentional in finding out. Christ should be at the centre of your relationship and that threefold cord is the strongest bond.
Look for signs of a good life long partner from the early stages and trust God for the rest. Let Him be involved and integral in your relationship. The wedding vows can help steer you.
How could the wedding vows help shape your dating life?
Read more by Hannah Grace, including ‘5 things I wish I knew before I got married‘, on the Christian Connection blog
