Dating can feel like riding an emotional rollercoaster. There are highs and lows, expectations and disappointments, periods of excitement and times when we want to give up. But what if dating could feel less draining? By understanding what dating is and what it isn’t, we can make the journey easier for ourselves. Here are three dating misconceptions and three truths about the search for love.
What dating isn’t
1 – A tick box exercise
In my dating days, I was guilty of looking through online profiles or going on dates with a checklist in my head. The man needed to meet a lot of requirements, otherwise I wouldn’t give him a chance. Looking back, I can see how this rigid, closed-minded approach led me to rule people out far too soon.
If you find yourself jumping to conclusions about potential dates based on your ‘must have’ list, consider a more open-hearted approach. This isn’t about ignoring incompatibilities or red flags; it’s about being open to pleasant surprises. Many of us have ended up in healthy relationships with partners we’d never imagined would be right for us. The same may prove true for you.
2 – A performance, audition, or interview
While we want to put our best foot forward, dating isn’t a performance. We don’t need to play a part or embellish our true selves – this applies to our online profiles and face-to-face dates.
We share our favourite photographs on dating sites and apps, and we dress well for a date, but the most important thing is to show up authentically, trusting that our true personality will shine through, and our authentic self is enough.
Whether we’re nervous or confident, an introvert or an extrovert, a homebody or a travel enthusiast, a frequent dater or someone who hasn’t dated for decades, the best practice is to be our wholehearted selves.
And while dating might feel like we’re at an audition or an interview, or like we’re auditioning or interviewing someone else, the most effective approach is to relax, enjoy some light conversation, avoid the temptation to scrutinise or over-analyse, and simply notice how we feel in the other person’s presence.
3 – A marriage rehearsal
How many times did I look at a date and, within minutes, wonder what kind of husband he would make? How many times did I imagine us walking down an aisle, me in a white dress, the man in a sharp suit, even before we’d ordered our coffees?
Some of us have lively imaginations that fantasise about the future before we get to know someone. But while our minds are wandering, we might miss a red flag, miss an opportunity to get to know the real person, or we might reject someone when they fall short of our fantasy.
The key is to do our best to keep our feet on the ground and our minds fixed in the here and now. This isn’t easy, I know, but being aware of our tendency to skip ahead is an excellent start. With this awareness, we can gently rein in our imagination.
What dating is
1 – Excellent practice
Dating is a wonderful opportunity to practice a range of skills. For many of us, dating puts us out of our comfort zones. By taking part, we learn how to manage our anxiety about meeting strangers and how to stay rooted in the present rather than flit into a fantasy future.
We learn to set boundaries, choosing what time to go home or how much of our lives to share. We get to practise our listening and conversation skills. We develop resilience because not every date will want to see us again (remember: ‘rejection can be God’s protection’). We hone our powers of discernment – do I like this person? How do I feel in their company?
Dating is a rich opportunity to grow and learn, irrespective of the outcome.
2 – An information gathering exercise
I always say that the purpose of a first date is to know whether you want a second date, and the purpose of a second date is to know if you want a third date, and so forth. Dating, in its simplest form, is an information gathering exercise. Do I feel calm and at ease in this person’s presence? Am I curious about my date and vice versa? Do our values align? Are there any sticking points, and if so, are they surmountable?
As discussed above, many of us struggle to stay grounded in the present, but if we take dating step-by-step, gathering information and praying for discernment, listening for God’s voice and sharing with trusted friends, we are more likely to have an enjoyable, stress-free experience and a positive outcome.
3 – An act of hope
Sharing our profiles online and going on dates are demonstrations of our faith in God, in life, and in the future. We have a choice – we can avoid online dating and stay at home, or we can step out into the world and give dating a chance, knowing that it’s a wonderful opportunity to gain self-awareness, practice relationship skills, uncover and heal any wounds that need to be healed, get to know new people and, potentially, meet our match.
I hope these dating misconceptions and dating truths help you to date more freely and confidently, to enjoy the experience and stay optimistic.
What are the dating misconceptions you’ve overcome?
Enjoyed reading ‘Overcoming dating misconceptions: 3 myths and 3 truths about what dating is and isn’t’? Read more by Katherine Baldwin here
