We’ve all been there – on an emotional high after a great conversation with a potential date, only to feel down and disheartened when a fledgling relationship fizzles out or rejection follows. Dating is an emotional rollercoaster. That’s a given. The key to joyful and successful dating is to learn to manage your emotions through the peaks and troughs. To flourish, it is important to ensure your feelings don’t take over and to find a relationship without losing yourself.
Here are three important ways to manage your emotions as you date.
Lay the groundwork
Before you engage in online dating, check in with yourself. Am I in a good place emotionally? Do I have healthy self-esteem? Am I well rested, nourished and reasonably at peace? Is my spiritual life in good order? Do I feel held by God and supported by my community?
We don’t need to be in a perfect state by any means, but it’s important to be aware that dating can be emotionally triggering and to prepare ourselves accordingly. If we are struggling with low self-esteem, craving love, validation and connection, or feeling exhausted or unwell, we will be more reactive, more vulnerable to setbacks and more prone to making poor choices.
Moderate your emotions
From lightning bolts and sparks to crushing disappointment and the pain of rejection, these are just some of the extreme experiences we might have while searching for a healthy relationship. In the above cases, our nervous systems are flooded with positive or negative emotions. This is depleting, makes us vulnerable and puts us at risk of self-sabotage.
While we’re human, not robots, and our emotions are bound to rise and fall, it’s a good idea to be wary of huge pendulum swings.
If we feel struck by lightning after a few conversations or meetings and start fantasising about our happy ever after, our emotions might plummet when our date doesn’t reply to a message or when they call time on a relationship after several dates.
We might wrack our brains, obsessively thinking, ‘What did I do wrong? There must be something wrong with me’. We might seek reassurance from the other person. We might even spiral downwards into a hopeless place: ‘I’ve been rejected and I’m going to be alone forever. There is no hope.’
The antidote to emotional flooding is to try to moderate our emotions. We can do this by:
- Proceeding slowly and cultivating patience
Be attentive to any feelings of pressure or anxiety or a sense of urgency. If you constantly check your messages on a dating site or your phone, become aware of this and set some boundaries. For example, I’ll only check my phone messages every four hours or look at a dating site once a day. Boundaries provide a sense of emotional safety and help to regulate our nervous system so that we can make grounded choices.
- Pausing before reacting
Dating has a way of pressing our buttons but knee-jerk reactions can sabotage relationships. Set some ground rules for yourself. For example, when I feel triggered by a comment, a message or a period of silence, I will wait one hour, practise deep breathing or go for a walk. I will call a friend first before I send a response. I will talk through any challenging messages, comments or feelings of rejection with a friend, coach or counsellor.
- Reassuring yourself rather than seeking reassurance from your date
If you feel disillusioned or over-excited, you can soothe yourself through breathing, praying, journaling, exercising or sharing your feelings with a friend. If you are rejected, lean on the truth that ‘rejection is God’s protection’ – it may not soothe you instantly but with a bit of time and some emotional distance, you may start to believe it.
- Keeping perspective
Dating is about gathering information, until we have enough information to know that we want to proceed to the next stage or walk away. It’s as simple as that. Keep your feet firmly placed on the ground.
Maintaining a balanced life
Another antidote to emotional overwhelm is to make sure that dating is one part of a full, varied and balanced life. If all we have to look forward to is the ping of our phone or a notification on a dating site, this suggests we are overly invested in the dating process. However, if we have friends, plans, rewarding work and a sense of purpose, we will be less prone to obsessive thinking and emotional triggers.
While it’s normal for our hearts to beat fast at the prospect of a romantic relationship, ideally we want to maintain a measured heartbeat as we gather all the information we need about the other person. In this way, we will swap knee-jerk reactions for aligned, God-centred action.
How do you find it helpful to manage your emotions as you navigate dating?
Enjoyed reading ‘3 important ways to manage your emotions while dating’? Read more by Katherine Baldwin on the blog
