In an ideal world, our date would live close by, we’d see them often, and we’d build a relationship over time. Realistically, though – and especially in today’s online world – we might meet someone who lives far away, leading to the prospect of a long-distance relationship. So, can a relationship thrive across the miles, and what are the upsides and the pitfalls of long-distance love?
Let me start by saying that long-distance relationships can and do work. I know this from experience. When I met my now husband, we lived several hours away by car. I also know clients and friends whose relationships have flourished at a distance, and I’m sure you have your examples too.
But to make a relationship work, it’s helpful to keep the following things in mind:
1. Commit to giving it a shot – equally
If you think a long-distance relationship is worth exploring, it’s essential to give it the time and energy it deserves. It’s tempting to dismiss people who live far away or to let the connection fizzle out after a while, particularly if we lead busy lives, but we may miss out on a golden opportunity.
So, make a commitment to yourself and to the relationship to give it your best shot. Create space in your diary, sit down together on a phone or video call and make plans to meet up in person. This may require some sacrifices, and it’s important that both parties make a similar effort, rather than the relationship being one-sided.
2. Agree on boundaries
When dating at a distance, it’s helpful to have a conversation in the early stages to understand each other’s expectations, set boundaries and negotiate differences. One person, for example, may want to meet more often or may need regular contact by text, phone or video call, while the other person may be happy to speak infrequently.
If both parties can talk honestly at this stage, express their needs and reach a compromise, it will bode well for the future.
3. Manage your mind when you’re apart
Long-distance dating often involves intense meetings followed by long absences. Maybe you spend a whole weekend together but then spend three weeks apart. These gaps can be challenging.
In some cases, our imaginations run wild. We can idealise the person and build the relationship up into something it’s not.
In other cases, we withdraw emotionally in between meetings to protect ourselves, maybe thinking that the person no longer likes us if they’re not messaging all the time, or perhaps focusing on their flaws. This is especially common in people who have a fear of abandonment or rejection.
Manage your thoughts by focusing on the rest of your life when you’re apart – your work, your friends, your hobbies – rather than obsessing about the relationship and ask God to help you to calm your anxious mind and trust that all is unfolding as it should be.
Also, share your feelings with trusted people, and with your partner if you have a deep connection by this stage, and perhaps agree on more regular contact via phone or video to prevent the mind from filling in the gaps.
4. Be ready to take a leap of faith
If the relationship feels right and you have peace in your soul, find the courage to take a leap. This may mean seeing each other for longer visits or moving closer together.
In my case, I moved to my now husband’s town but I did so in a way that didn’t put too much pressure on the relationship. I treated the move as a six-month experiment, knowing I’d be fine if it didn’t work out, and I rented a room from a mutual friend. Ten years later, we’re still here and happily married.
Long-distance relationships, however, aren’t always good news. Sometimes they are an excuse to avoid intimacy. These questions will help you to check your motives:
5. Ask yourself: am I afraid of commitment?
If you are continually drawn to people who live far away and these relationships don’t progress as outlined above, ask yourself honestly if you are afraid of commitment. Long-distance relationships can be a way of avoiding vulnerability and intimacy because we can keep the person at arm’s length.
If this rings true, create some space in your life to explore your fears around intimacy, which may be connected to early life wounds. Ask God to help you to heal or to direct you to a trusted professional.
6. And also: am I living in the real world?
As outlined above, long-distance relationships can keep us in fantasy rather than reality. Everything can feel wonderful on a romantic weekend away or during a short burst of intensity, but this isn’t real life. You’ll want to make sure that your relationship is grounded in reality and that it can withstand life’s more mundane tasks.
In summary, if you are aware of the potential pitfalls and can be sure that you’re not using distance to avoid intimacy, love can indeed survive and thrive across the miles.
When approached with emotional maturity, long-distance romances help us to grow in patience, to communicate more openly and to lean on our inner wisdom and our faith, all of which lead to solid foundations.
Would you consider a long distance relationship?
If you found this useful, you can find more posts on long distance relationships here: ‘5 tips for maintaining long distance love‘ and ‘Lasting the distance: 7 tips for long-distance love‘
