Before you answer the key question ‘Should we commit?’, ask yourself the following:
1. Are we on the same page when it comes to life’s big questions?
Relationships require compromise but many of us have dealbreakers – issues that we are not prepared to budge on, no matter how much we love our partner or want the relationship to work.
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Dealbreakers come in different shapes and sizes, depending on the individual. Common dealbreakers include faith, children, money and location.
Are we on the same page in terms of our faith or religion, and if not, is this a dealbreaker?
What is our attitude to having children, or bringing up any existing children?
Will we share our finances or keep them separate? Are we both solvent or do we have debt and if so, is that debt a dealbreaker or something we are willing to take on?
Where would we like to live? Do we share the same dreams or does one of us want to live in the city and the other at the beach? Can we find a middle ground, or do we need to go our separate ways?
If we can have honest conversations about these big issues, we will either build a relationship that will last, or we will save ourselves time and heartache by walking away before we get in too deep.
2. Does my partner have a capacity for intimacy?
For me, a capacity for intimacy is an ability to be open, honest and vulnerable and to have the hard conversations rather than running away or brushing them under the carpet. It is a willingness to take responsibility and be an adult. It is an ability to look inside ourselves and take ownership of our flaws.
It is a commitment to resolve conflict in healthy ways, to say sorry when we mess up and to extend understanding and kindness to the other person.
When I was dating my now husband, I had some reservations. He wasn’t a big fan of talking about his feelings or showing his emotions. But whenever we hit a bump in the road or whenever I needed to talk something through, he was there, ready to listen and share his truth, even if talking didn’t come easy to him. I saw a capacity for intimacy in him as well as a willingness to evolve and that sealed our relationship and subsequent marriage.
Of course, we must also show a capacity for intimacy ourselves and be willing to open our hearts. If you continually choose someone who doesn’t have a capacity for intimacy, it could be that you need to work on this yourself.
3. Do I feel free to show up authentically?
When I was dating, there were times when I hid my authentic self because I wanted to hang on to a relationship at all costs. I didn’t always speak my truth or show my true colours. I censored myself, toned myself down or adapted my behaviour to make sure I was liked or loved.
This type of self-censorship, which is a form of codependency, can lead to a long-lasting relationship but it won’t be a healthy one. It won’t be based on truth.
Before you commit to someone, ask yourself if you feel at ease and at peace in their presence, able to show all of yourself – your highs and lows, your silly and serious sides, your joy and your tears, your beliefs and your opinions.
Also, ask yourself if your partner is showing up authentically. Do you get the sense that they are telling you the whole story or monitoring their words?
Long-lasting relationships are based on two people showing up as their real selves, revealing both the light and the dark, and trusting that if they’re with the right partner, they will be accepted and loved for who they are.
4. Have I chosen a partner who’ll be there in sickness and in health?
When we fall in love with someone and are enjoying that magical honeymoon stage, floating around on a pink cloud, it’s hard to imagine darker times. But life has a habit of throwing us curve balls – health crises, financial shocks, bereavements, unexpected events.
Before committing to someone, ask yourself if you have chosen a partner who’ll be with you through the thick and thin, the good and the bad, in sickness and in health. Love is a choice. Commitment is a choice. Attraction comes and goes. It’s important that you build a relationship that is as steady as a rock.
Ask yourself the same question too. Am I emotionally mature enough to stay by my partner’s side, even in tough times? Am I fully committed to this relationship? If the response is ‘Yes’, that’s your green light.
The answers to these questions can act as a signpost, showing us whether God wants us to move forwards into a committed relationship or have the courage to step away.
What are the questions you’d ask before deciding ‘Should we commit?’
Enjoyed ‘Should we commit? 4 important questions to ask before you do’? Read more by Katherine Baldwin here
